awesome jokes/riddles

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

xD nice one
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'

A horse is tied to a 15ft rope. There is a bale of hay 25ft away, yet the horse can still reach it. How? the horse transforms into a giraf. oh. pff D: wow lol xD im so dum

The one who makes it, sells it. The one who buys it doesn't use it. The one who uses it doesn't know they're using it. What is it? o.o ugh......xD dang thats a hard one. idunnu -looks at answer- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH that makes sence. xD

Tall in the morning, short at noon, gone at night but I'll be back soon. What am I? i was goina say sun but then i axedentaly clicked the answer xD

Wew got each one wrong yay :DD

my joke:

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

lmao ikr xD and thanks

Joke :

One day Little Timmy comes home from school yelling, "Daddy! Daddy! Today at school we had to say our ABC's and I was the only one in my class who knew them all! The teacher said I did really good!" "Well that's great, son," his father replied "I'm very proud of you!" So the next day when Little Timmy gets home from school he again is very excited "Daddy! Daddy!" Timmy yells "Today at school we had to name all of the colors in class and I got them all right! The teacher said I did very good!" And his father replied "Well that's great, son, I'm very proud of you!" The next day when Little Timmy came home from school he came in yelling "Daddy! Daddy! Today in school after gym class, we were in the shower and I had the biggest penis! I was very happy!" "Well son," his father replied "that's because YOUR 18!"

lol meow XD epic XD

xD lol

joke:

A man goes to a doctor and says " What shall I do? I've just been raped by an elephant!" The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. "That's funny!" He says " your asshole is 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had thin long d*cks?" The man says " Yeah but he fingered me first!"

meow..... xDDD

xD lmao wat

joke:

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

Heres one:

There was a man and einstein sitting beside eachother on a plane.

Einstein told the man"lets pay a question game, if u dont know my answer, you pay me 5$, and if i get your wrong i give you 500$."

the man said "Ok."

Einstein asked a very complicated physics question, the man said idk and gave him 5$.

then the man asked " what runs up a mountain with 3 legs and walks back down with 2 legs"

Einstein thought about it for a while and said idk and gave the man 500$.

Then einstein asked "what is that anyways?"
The man said "idk" and gave einstein 5$ and the game ended.

lolol u guys really made me laugh today .....

_________________

yay ?

meowchan wrote:xD lol

joke:

A man goes to a doctor and says " What shall I do? I've just been raped by an elephant!" The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. "That's funny!" He says " your asshole is 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had thin long d*cks?" The man says " Yeah but he fingered me first!"

LOLOL OMFG YES. xD And the professor thing hell yea! xDD
I got some. Stupid but they are jokes c;

What kind of lingerie does a mermaid wear?

Spoiler:

What does the fish say when he runs into the wall?

Spoiler:

And some longer ones c;

So there are these three construction workers working on a building. One's Italian, one's Mexican and one's a Redneck. It's finally lunch time and the Italian looks into his lunch and says,
"I swear, if i have one more day of pizza im going to jump off this building!"
The next day he had pizza and jumped off the building. So at lunch that day the Mexican says,
"Man, if i have to have nachos one more day I'M going to jump off this building!"
The next day he had nachos and jumped off the building. So finally the Redneck says,
"If I have PB&J one more time, I'm going to jump off the building too!"
The next day he had PB&J so he jumped off the building.

So the three wives were at the funeral and the Italian's wife says,
"Oh why didn't he tell me he didn't want pizza! I would've packed him something else! -sob-"
The Mexican's wife says,
"He should have told me! I would have given him some nice burritos instead! -sob-"
So the Italian and Mexican's wives look towards the Redneck's wife questioningly.
And she replies, "Hey don't look at me he packs his own lunch!"

So three ladies are taken to jail. One brunette, one redhead and a blonde. The girls were to be executed that day and the first up was the Brunette.
They circled her with armed guards and the Head Guard said,
"Ready, Aim, -"
"Hurricane!" the brunette yells. They duck and cover and she escapes out the window.

So it's the Redhead's turn next. They surround her and the Head Guard starts again,
"Ready, Aim -"
"Earthquake!" the redhead screams. They duck and cover and she escapes out the window.

It's finally the blonde's turn. Seeing how the other two escaped she was going to copy them. The guards surround her and the Head Guard starts yet again.
"Ready, Aim -"
"Fire!"
The blonde didn't escape.

Lol to the 3 chicks in jail 1 XD

Nuh the blonde said Fire o.o Cuz the brunette and the redhead were yelling natural disasters and Fire is one of them x; But since she's blonde.... you get it? xD

o.o no rofl

The blonde said "Fire!" <-< Because it was a natural disaster like the other girls had said which got them out of jail. Since the Head Guard was counting "Ready aim fire" though she had the armed guards shoot her o.o When she should have said flood, or tornado or something. But since she's blonde shes retarded and said fire <-< Which got her killed anyways.
It's a blonde joke o.o

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I GET IT NOW O: HAHAHA

xDD You Slowpoke.

>-> psh..

<-< Oh yea, i just pokemoned you!

xD lol

joke - Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

LOLOL OMFG YES! XD

Nother blonde joke-
How does a blonde kill a fish?










She tries to drown it c;